Dangers of the internet

a colleague has just told me how he found his 7 year old daughter on a search engine……

typing “is Father Christmas real?”

Scientific Fact

Here’s a few facts for you:

 Did you know that if you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. 

(Hardly seems worth it) 

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months,enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that’s more like it) 

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

(In my next life I want to be a pig) 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. 

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.  That’s why Flipper was always smiling! 

(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn’t seem fair.) 

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmmmmm……..) 

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of…?)

 

Polar bears are left-handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. 

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. 

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

 The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.

 

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Lonely Hearts

I was hoping for something lighter hearted to post about, following yesterday’s unbelievable story.

Then in the paper this morning I spotted this article headed “Loony Hearts”, a collection of lonely hearts ads that make for interesting reading.

They’re from the “Literary Review”, so I think that the writers knew what they were proposing. I’m just not sure how you’d respond to them…..

Technically, by writing this ad, I’m breaking the terms of my probation. Technically though, I’m not really a woman either. Two wrongs always make a right in the mixed-up, muddled-up, security tagged and banned from most Croydon shopping centres world of box no. 3692

 

I’d like to dedicate this advert to my mother (difficult cow, 65) who is responsible for me still being single at 36. Man, 36. Single. Held at home by years of subtle emotional abuse and at least 19 fake heart attacks. Box no. 6207

 

To some, I am a world of temptation. To others, I’m just another cross-dressing pharmacist. M, 41. Box no. 3661

 

Bald, short, fat and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite. Box no. 9612

 

Last time I had this much fun, I was on 40 tablets a day. It’s all down hill from here, so reply to edgy woman, 36, before the good times come to an abrupt halt and the prescriptions finally dry up. Box no. 2596

 

I’ll be spending Valentine’s Day giving enemas to constipated goats. I’m not a vet, but I do enjoy volunteer work. Man, 31. Box no. 1869

 There’s enough lithium in my medicine cabinet to power three electric cars across a sizeable desert. I’m more than aware that this isn’t a selling point, but nonetheless it’s my favourite statistic about me. Man, 33, officially Three Cars Crazy. Box no. 2609 

Unbelievable

Whilst I don’t like to drag people into the realm of my blog, sometimes things happen that are so unbelievable that I find it impossible not to write about.

A female colleague, from another section, discovered earlier this year that she had a tumour in her breast. She was understandably shocked, but thankfully was taken into hospital a matter of days later, getting prompt treatment.

Since then she has undergone radiotherapy and has just recently started back at work. She is easing her way back in, working 4 half days per week.

She still feels very weak, and she doesn’t like talking about what’s happened to her.

This morning I was asking her how she felt when she burst into tears. I thought she might be feeling down about her treatment.

Instead she told me that she had split up with her husband.

Apparently he was unhappy that he was unable to play as much golf since her illness! He was used to playing golf all weekend and coming home to a meal waiting for him.

Since having treatment she has been tired, and unable to do as much. So, rather than supporting his wife, this guy has taken umbrage at the fact that he now needs to look after himself and their child more than he used to.

I guess you never really know someone until the chips are down, but you would hope to get a little more support than that wouldn’t you?

Hooray, it’s Monday

It’s not often that I can express such sentiments, but today I can.

Especially after the weekend I had.

Friday night I managed to stub my toes on our bed. It hurt like hell, but I managed to block the pain out with some medicinal doses of alcohol.

On Saturday morning it became apparent that all was not well with my toe. The giveaway signs were the purplish colour and severe swelling. It resembled more of a plum than a toe.

One trip to casualty, and two hours wait later, it was established that I had fractured it.

Some strapping was applied and I was prescribed some anti-inflammatory drugs.

The strapping only made it more painful to walk, so I’ve ditched that.

As anyone with small children will immediately recognise, once you have an injury it becomes a magnet for them.

All weekend I have had it stood on and bashed with various toys. All of which is highly amusing apparently.

It’s fair to say that the weekend didn’t get off to a good start.

I was looking forward to Sunday though. We had arranged for a baby sitter to enable me and Mrs Zilla to go to the cinema.

I was really looking forward to seeing something, anything. The last thing I saw at the cinema was Scooby Doo 2. I want that fact changed ASAP.

I thought it would be nice to have a sort of date with Mrs Zilla again.

I have lots of fond memories of the cinema. As a youngster I went every Tuesday, regardless of what was on. The cinema was rarely busy and the owner would let us all in, whether it was an adult rated film or not.

Anyway, I was looking forward to relishing the cinema experience again.

Then our babysitter cancelled, at VERY short notice.

I was not a happy bunny.

I hope everyone else had a better weekend than me.

Impatience is seldom rewarded

In an effort to make Manchester a more pedestrian friendly city, there have been attempts to reduce the amount of traffic in certain areas.

To do this automatic bollards have been installed. As a bus or permitted vehicle approach them a sensor lowers the bollards to admit them.

Other vehicles are warned via signs that they are not allowed to enter the zone. Yet some people still think they can tailgate their way through.

This link shows what happens if you try that:

http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/flvplayer.swf?file=http://media.biertijd.com/movies/200610/onderen.flv&autostart=true&fs=true

Friday Flash Fiction

As ever, write a story, using 55 words, with at least one character and a plot. Then tell Susie you’ve played.

You catch glimpse of their eyes.

They looked haunted and alone, afraid to lock eyes, in case their pain is visible. 

They seem lost, in a crowd, yet totally separate from the people around them. 

You want to tell them everything will be fine. 

Suddenly, emerging from the tunnel, your reflection in the window disappears.

Reality bites back

Everyone believes that mankind is at it’s most developed ever state.

We have innumerable labour saving devices, we can communicate in all manner of different ways.

Yet we are also at our most vulnerable. Globally, there is warfare, malnutrition, we are destroying the planet and the long term future is very uncertain.

Absolute chaos has been caused in our building today, all because our servers went down.

No-one had any access to the network, which meant that there was very little people could do.

It’s slightly scary how dependent we are on these things.

When the system did come back on, for over an hour it thought it was 22 December!

The time travel element of that brings me to something I found: www.potatoacademy.com

This site lists news and happening from the year you turned 21.

For those of us over 30 it may reveal some interesting facts.

Short post today – a lot to catch up on with lack of network.

It’s been mere minutes

since that last ranting post, and already I can’t leave it there as the first thing to appear,

so…

as I’ve already had enough of hearing about their wedding, and I found it amusing, here’s an “unofficial” Tom and Katie picture:

Utopia vs Reality

Are people getting more selfish, or am I just noticing it more?

 

This morning, as I waited for the tram, I noticed a blind lady making her way along the platform. The white stick gave it away, it was evident to everyone waiting that she was blind.

 

People moved out of her path as she made her way along the platform. Then she reached the textured paving on the side of the platform that indicates where the doors will be when the next tram arrives.

 

After a few minutes the tram came round the bend, and the usual jostling for prime position on the platform began.

 

I never participate in this ritual. I am never desperate for a seat; there is never really enough legroom for me, so I am content to stand.

 

Anyway, the tram came to a stop; but not at the correct place regarding the textured flooring, so the blind lady was not right next to a door.

 

The herd (I’ll describe them as that, because they were acting like cattle) of people started to push their way onto the tram, ignoring the blind person stranded on the platform.

 

She was clearly perplexed by the door not opening where it should. I approached her and said I would lead her onto the tram. She thanked me and asked me to guide her by holding her elbow.

 

I got her to the door, and of course, all the people who had ignored her parted like the Red Sea to give her space to get on, offering her a seat.

 

Yeah, right. That’s how it should happen of course, but it didn’t. No-one moved to let this lady on the tram and get herself a hand hold. Everyone was too concerned with securing their prime position. Then they did that whole, “If I don’t look directly at them, they’re not really there” thing.

 

These people were quite content to let a blind person travel on a tram without even an adequate hand hold.

 

I didn’t know how to react to this. I didn’t want to make a scene, not for my own purposes, but because there was somebody else’s view to consider: the blind lady’s.

 

So ultimately I am left feeling really disappointed in human nature and the selfishness that this society seems to be generating.

 

Perhaps this is an extreme example, but there are plenty of other instances where people seem to have either no consideration for others, or just don’t care how they affect others.

 

I’m going to stop there, because this is in serious danger of turning into a major rant, and of making me sound like a moaning old timer, who constantly bleats “Things were never like this in my day”