Gone Fishing

well, gone away for the weekend….

I’ve still got nothing

as I’m busy at work and counting down till my half day tomorrow, when we will escape to the Lakes. Typically the weather has changed, as I thought it would!

In the meantime here’s a joke:

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”

She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”

The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then little Johnny says, “Please Miss, I have a question for YOU”.

”There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

To which little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on’, but I like your thinking.”

In the absence of anything better…

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on
British TV & Radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is
Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves
it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a
lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the
Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold
Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes
out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on
'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt
much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this."

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up
to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage
remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's
only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his
caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks
Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Lighter nights, lighter mood and new music

A meme

stolen from Snavy :

Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
Yes, and it isn’t easy whilst in the driver’s seat.

 What’s something you MUST do before you die?
Go back to the Grand Canyon

Are you single? Do you want to be?
No. Sometimes.

What’s one thing you will not eat?
Sprouts

When is the last time you went out of state?
Er, we don’t have states over here, but I went across country last month. 

Who was your last received call?
A client I do accounts for 

Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton?
Yes, but not recently, I’ve given it up for lent 

Can you hula hoop?Yes, I have quite a good action, so I’m told. 

Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yes. 

Was today better than yesterday?
Hmmm, not sure, oh, go on, I’ll say yes. 

Is anybody getting on your nerves?
Not right now

Do you talk to yourself?
Yes, I get more sense that way

 Are you mad at anybody?
No

Who’s on speed dial 5?
Speed Dial? Like I can ever be bothered to set such things up. I have a “calls” button for that! 

Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
I wouldn’t say a lot. 

What are you doing tonight?
Reading, listening to music

What time is it?
12.32pm 

Are you loud?
Since having children I find my voice can rise… 

What are you looking forward to?
Leave that one with me… 

Do you watch Family Guy regularly?
No 

Have you ever been on a diet?
Not an “Atkins” or “Cabbage Soup” diet, but I watch what I eat

What does your last outbox text say?
We were robbed. 

Are you wearing socks?
Yes, I’m not wearing sandals.

Have you ever been on a cruise?
No, and it doesn’t bother me

 Have you ever gone scuba diving?
No, but I’d give it a try if the opportunity came up 

What’s your favourite smell?

Er, fresh cut grass, my children post bath, I don’t know exactly

Have you ever been on a rollercoaster?
Oh Yes! Love them.

 Do you care what others think about you?
I used to. 

What do you do all the time when you’re driving?
Listen to music and say “No we’re not there yet! 

Do you trust people easily?
I used to 

Do you follow college football?
We don’t have such things, but I do follow football 

Favourite football team?

Middlesbrough FC 

Do you watch the Olympics?
Some events, but generally no 

Do you have a favorite number?
23 

Are you emo?
Probably not 

Are you multitasking right now?
Yes, doing this and pretending to work! 

Could you handle being in the military?
If I was in charge yes, otherwise, no. 

Do you believe in Karma?
I hope it exists, I’ve not seen much evidence though 

What is your school mascot?
Sorry, we don’t do this either 

How is the weather today?
Warm and sunny, just like me

Stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
Ring someone Where were you an hour ago?
Right here. 

Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
No, last 5 months maybe 

What was the last thing you had to drink?
Decaff coffee – the real thing here tastes like shit. 

What are you wearing right now?
Black trousers, purple shirt, purple/lilac striped tie, shoes, black socks, Calvins 

What was your last purchase?
A CD, just ordered on line: Acid Brass 

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Same as above, a client. 

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
No, but I have my eye on a certain T-shirtDo you have a pet?
We have a goldfish, Woof.

What’s the last sporting event you watched?
FA Cup Replay, Manchester United vs Middlesbrough, we lost 1-0 to a dubious penalty, note last text sent answer above. 

If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?
Somewhere warmer, not at work and with someone who could make me smile 

What is the last thing you purchased online?
CD – see above 

What’s your favorite soup?
Mulligatawny 

Do you miss anyone?
Yes, my father 

What are your plans for the weekend?
Visiting my mother

Ever go to camp?
Yes, as a child 

Are you an honor roll student?
I always did well, despite my slacker nature 

Are you wearing perfume or cologne?
Yes, Balderassini by Hugo Boss 

Where are your best friends located?
All over the place 

Do you have a tan?
Compared to an albino? Yes

How old do you want to be when you have kids?
I think I was about the right age… or was I?

 Last person who made you cry?
My wife probably 

How do you like your soda?
Cold, not bothered about a glass, or ice, but if it’s there… 

What is your mood?
Just there really, no particular emotion pushing to the front right now. 

Are you someone’s best friend?
Yes

Anniversary….

I was going to gloss over the events last night, but maybe I shouldn’t. Writing it down will stop me from forgetting.

We got the children in bed nice and early, and I cooked us a roast chicken with all the trimmings. We opened the champagne with the meal and moved on to a Sauvignon, post meal.

I’m sure it’s not right for your partner to fall asleep on the sofa on your anniversary. That’s what happened though.

She is impossible to move once she’s fallen asleep on the sofa too. Gets very irritable when you try to get her into bed to sleep properly.

Exciting stuff hey?

Here, to lighten this up, this is something I received this morning, it made me laugh…

The Little Builder

 This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It’s true and it makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.

The young family’s
5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let  her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her  little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her ‘pay’ home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her ‘work’ on the building site and the fact she had a ‘pay packet’.

‘You must have worked very
hard to earn all this’, said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, ‘I worked all last week with the men building a big house.’

‘My goodness gracious,’ said the cashier, ‘Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?’ The little girl thought for a moment and said…

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

  

‘I think so. Provided those twats at Jewson deliver the fucking bricks on time’

Shampagne

In honour of my wedding anniversary I will avoid grumbling about things, but instead mention something I was reading in my Book of General Ignorance the other day. I should add that my in-laws have bought us a bottle of champagne as a present.

What makes champagne fizz?

 

Carbon dioxide?

 

 

Wrong!

 

In a perfectly smooth and clean glass the carbon dioxide would evaporate invisibly.

 

It was thought that slight imperfections in glass caused the carbon dioxide to collect there and then escape as a bubble of gas.

 

Micro-photography has now revealed that this is not the case, instead it is minute particles of dirt lodged in these imperfections in the glass that cause the bubble. Apparently they act as condensation nuclei, allowing the bubbles to form around them.

 

So it’s dirty glasses that give champagne it’s sparkle. Nice.

 

Moet et Chandon believe that there are 250 million bubbles in a magnum of their champagne. The glass they use must be filthy!

 

The last words of Anton Chekov  were: “I haven’t had champagne in a long time”.

 

German medicine of the time prescribed that a doctor should offer a glass of champagne to those patients who had no hope of survival.

Random stuff

my head’s all over the place today, so this post may not be very structured….

my children never cease to amaze me. I was at the football match the other night with Godzooky 1, in the midst of 61,000 cheering, jeering, shouting fans, and he’s tugging on my arm trying to ask me something. I couldn’t make it out, so cupped my ear around his mouth to hear what he wanted. His question? : “Who has the largest ears in the world?”

How random can you get?

Godzooky 2 had great news from her latest speech therapy session, she doesn’t have to go back for another appointment for three months.

She’s stringing words together now, the record being four consecutive words: “Go, home, lunch, now”

Her pronunciation has also come on in leaps and bounds. She now has the ability to make herself heard all over the house! I knew things would be bad when she started to talk properly, but if I had a pound for everytime she says “Dad” I could retire tomorrow!

She’s also picked up the word “please”, as in how to repeat it endlessly in a whiny tone to try and wear you down.

As it’s my wedding anniversary tomorrow, I thought I would investigate what the traditional gift would be. As it’s our 6th anniversary it should be iron.

So what should I buy? A new steam iron or a packet of iron tablets?

Some you win…

well I managed to escape the frosty atmosphere by attending a football match last night.

This has affirmed my status as world’s best dad in Godzooky 1’s eyes at least.

I am left wondering how relations with Mrs Zilla will be on our Wedding Anniversary, this Thursday…..

Any hints or tips gratefully received!

I don’t like Mondays

Why is the weather so nice today, yet yesterday it was blowing a gale and alternating between hail and rain?

I’m starting to think that I preferred our old office where the outside world always looked grey. At least then I didn’t know when I was missing out on nice days.

Mother’s Day. Yes, it was yesterday and I’m still not sure exactly what I am meant to organise on behalf of my kids. I sorted a card out for them, got Godzooky 1 to do the writing, and helped numbers 2 & 3 to put a kiss on the end of the message.

I even sorted a present for them, ordering Casion Royale, so Mrs Zilla can letch over Daniel Craig in his swimmers.

Godzooky 1 had produced a card at school, so he was doubly off the hook. I have an issue with it though. The kids all produce a card for Mother’s Day, but nothing ever gets done for Father’s Day. I realise in these days of broken relationships that not all kids live with both parents, but presumably they have two parents, unless there’s been a rash of turkey baster pregnancies.

It must not be politically correct to involve fathers in anything. Similar to the need one school in our great nation felt, to change the Three Little Pigs story, so that muslims wouldn’t be offended. As it turns out, the mere mention of pigs isn’t offensive to most sensible muslims.

Anyway, I’m straying off the point here. I too would like a card from my child to celebrate the fact that I do my bit. Too much to ask for I guess.

I even sorted out my own yearly dilemma regarding my own mother. Through the magic of the internet I got her present sent straight to her house, and coupled it with a thoughtful type card, which I know she loves. She analyses exactly what is written in the verses on cards, so you have to vet them carefully!

 What I failed to account for, was that Mrs Zilla expected a special meal last night. Now, I should point out at this juncture, that I do most of the cooking in our house. If Mrs Zilla cooks more than twice a week it’s a rarity.

I have no problem with that, I enjoy cooking. I failed to realise though that last night she expected more than my normal humble offering. Apparently Mother’s Day warrants more, and being stupid I failed to realise this.

Ah, well, I should realise by now that I’m going to make these sorts of stupid mistakes. I managed to partially redeem myself by getting her favourite takeaway, but the damage was already done.

At least tonight I can escape the house, I am taking Godzooky 1 to the replay of a football match. Mrs Zilla can enjoy Daniel Craig alone, as I’m sure he could offer her exactly what she wants.